Prompt: Tonks learns something disturbing about Remus.
Word Count: 529
Summary: Remus attempts to explain...
Author's Note: So very unbeta'd. All mistakes mine.
I saw you standing outside of the Ministry with Harry, the umbrella I gave you clutched in your hand. Seeing you this morning stirred feelings inside I long thought dead and I gathered my courage to write this final time.
I miss you.
I’m sorry you discovered my past relationship with him so abruptly and with such obvious malice directed towards you. I hoped we would've had an opportunity to discuss the information and I could have dispelled the truth from the lies.
Nymphadora, even if we never speak again, even if you curse my name for the rest of your life, please read my words as I explain my affair with your cousin, Sirius.
I loved him.
Sirius had been a part of my life since my first year in Hogwarts. Through the years, our relationship had grown from simple friendship to quiet companionship to affection and finally, love.
He was there for me every month as I recovered from my transformations under the care of Madame Pomfrey. When I discovered they had become Animagus, every one of them and what he had engineered in my name, I was overwhelmed. And when James confided if it had been up to him or Peter, the goal would never have been met; I can not put into words my feelings towards him. I don’t even believe I understood at that time.
Our fate was sealed the year his family disowned him. Outcasts, he called us, brothers in arms, masters of our own destinies. Together, we would face our future and never be alone.
After leaving Hogwarts, Sirius learned of a small inheritance and he procured a flat outside of London. I was poor and unemployable. He offered a place to live and I accepted.
We believed we were discreet. Obviously, we had never been more wrong.
You must understand he was a vital part of my life for so many years. No one felt more betrayed, more responsible the morning I learned of what happened to James, Lily and Peter. To Harry. To the innocent Muggles murdered in his rage. How could I have been deadly wrong about this man knew I thought I had known and shared a bond with since our first year at Hogwarts?
I hope you will never learn of the anguish I felt for years afterward. But yet, even when I thought he was a murderer, even when I thought he was insane I would dream of him. I would dream of what could have been, what should have been. Of the moments we shared when we were young, when the four of us would sit by the lake, laughing.
After he escaped, after we learned of Peter’s involvement and his betrayal, the dreams stopped. We circled around one another for weeks; one would step forward while the other took two steps back. Both of us were irrevocably damaged. When we learned our time lost was too deep of a chasm to cross, it was if we both took a huge collective sigh of relief and finally, we were able to reestablish our friendship.
When he fell through the veil, my heart hurt, but my soul had already been torn apart years before.
I will never say I regret my time with Sirius, just as I will never regret you, Nymphadora.
I miss you. I miss your eyes. I miss the curve of your lips just before you kiss me. I miss your warmth next to me as I curl behind your back as the shadows melt into morning. I miss your scent on my clothes, in my house, in my life.
Remus J. Lupin