This is not an easy emotion to answer. For starters and for background, I found a lump in my underarm yesterday while in the shower. Instantly, I thought I was going to throw up. Then I thought I was going to cry. But I did neither, as there was cleaning to be done and a dinner to finish preparing for my family.
So I sat on this disturbing new discovery on my anatomy and I smiled at all the right times and laughed when needed, but I found my appetite was a bit off.
I found myself wondering at odd times - "...what if it's breast cancer?"
Everyone left blessedly early and I was tired, so I went to bed. The kids joined me and we watched Spongebob and Little Einsteins and then Games and Sports. They cuddled with me and I tried not to cry.
See, here's my hidden fear: I won't live to see my kids grow up.
Alex is only three and Ash isn't even ten. I know it happens everyday, mothers are taken away from their kids and vice versa, but secretly you think, aw...it'll never happen to me.
But yet. It does. It can happen to me. Other bad things have, and other bad things I thought I had turned out to be nothing. I thought I may keep this to myself for awhile, I mean, really. Christmas is right around the corner. You know how much I've thought of Christmas since I found it? Almost zero. How is it fair to my kids if Mommy is distracted during their big day?
The internet is a fickle thing. On one hand it's wonderful to have so many avenues of information right at your fingertips. On the other hand...
Let's just say I was frightened enough to email Scott. And the only reason I emailed him was because I was crying. I'm not a pretty cryer. My nose swells up and starts to run and my eyes get all red and I have a hard time talking through all the mucus my body produces in a very short period of time.
So while I was waiting for him to email me back, I called my doctor's office and was able to get a 12 noon appointment. Scott emailed me back and then called, and tried to calm me down. He told me to call him when I got out of the doctors and we hung up.
Five minutes later he calls from his cell to let me know he left work and was coming to pick me up to drive me to the doctor's office. I love him so much.
Long story short...the doctor thinks it feels more like a cyst as opposed to a swollen lymph node, but with my family history, (my paternal grandmother died of breast cancer, my maternal grandfather died of pancreatic cancer) he still thought it would be a good idea to have blood work done. I should know the results either by the end of this week or by next.
So this is where I am right now and I found the words to describe how I'm feeling.
Keep me in your thoughts, if you do that sort of thing, k?